Hi, we’re here to lead

Welcome to the home of the Council of Global Secularists! You’re probably wanting to know more so we’re going to start this off with a little introduction, framed in the style of a question and answer. You’re in bold. Feel free to read your lines with an accent, or like a pirate.

Council Of Global Secularists. What the hell?

Hi! Welcome to our site. We’re the newest self-proclaimed thought leaders of atheism, humanism, secularism, and other -isms for the world. Pleased to meet you.

But who are you?

A good question. Honestly, right now we’re a white English dude with a beard and two guinea pigs. But that’s apparently most of the diversity needed for this position, so why not? The guinea pigs are female. In the interest of transparency, it’s the human doing the typing.

I like guinea pigs and everything, but what qualifies you to declare yourself the ultimate resource for so many people from so many backgrounds?

That’s an excellent question.

Shouldn’t you have found support from people from around the globe before declaring yourself a global leader?

Look, we’re working hard on diversity, and our plan is to get a hamster and maybe a gerbil. Also some people who aren’t white or whatever.

Who’s funding this?

Is that an offer?

No.

Well in that case, we’re running on nothing but an ironic prayer (and broccoli for the guinea pigs). Sadly, we have no rich friends.

So what are you actually going to do?

Offer opinions and expect people to listen to them. See, we’re actually the world’s best when it comes to humanist thought, and also pooping in the dried food tray. If all of the brown people from other countries just did what we told them, there would be no problems. 

Well I’m convinced.

Really?

Sure. I mean, there can’t be anyone else with these concerns on the planet who are as wise as you.

That’s exactly what we thought. But anyway, our ranks are a bit slim right now. If you’d like to join, that’d be wonderful. Email us at councilofglobalsecularists@gmail.com. With a few more humans on board, maybe we could arrange a paint ball match or something.

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5 responses to “Hi, we’re here to lead”

  1. Ophelia Benson says :

    This looks like the answer to all the world’s problems. I’m so glad you thought of it and, having thought of it, did it. I’ll follow wherever you lead. Possibly.

  2. paulmccue says :

    I’m in! Can’t say what I’m in just yet but I am all for following…

  3. councilofglobalsecularists says :

    Glad to have you both on board. Bring raw greens.

  4. Bernard Hurley says :

    We at the Multiverse Association of Secular Timewarps, Universes, R-Branes, Anteaters, Topologies and Electormagnets laugh at your puny little council. Our great leaders of thought have brains that have evolved over thousands of billions of years and they have more neurons in their heads than you have fundamental particles in the silly piece of dust you call your galaxy. How dare you complain we are not diverse enough? By what right does your stinky little species claim you should have been consulted before we had the magnanimity to found this august body? You don’t hear the green space-dogs from Alpha Centauri complaining – they know their place. So go away you idiotic little ignoramuses with your uncouth symmetrical bodies and stikky-out noses or we shall taunt you even more.

  5. Lady Mondegreen says :

    I hear there are some mean people who who have criticized your cromulent council for some reason, probably because they’re mean. Just ignore them. What this crazy old world needs right now is a council of global secularists composed of thought leaders from many several a lands. And guinea pigs.

    I can feel the world getting more secular already.

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